Alot of things have been happening lately, that have kind of tuned my mood toward the garbage pail... you'd think after beeing clean 8 months, getting out of jail, and being pretty regulated on my medication - I would be somewhat happier then this...

You Mean This IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS... God help me see a light at the end of this tunnel... I am separated... not by choice - he just up and left... well it didn't exactly happen that way, but that's what makes me feel better... the truth is well I am recovering addict now with 8 months clean, but then.. I used crack/cocaine everyday, all day & all night... and spent my husbands' paychecks before he got them... he used too... but nobody out of all the people we hung out with... had a habit like mine... it never ended.

My sister was no help, she used too... and 9 days after he left me - he called me at her house... he wanted to come home - but she didn't want to her party nite without her son to be fucked up... so she turned the phone off and nevere told me he tried to reach me... What Gave Her The Right To Play God!!!!

Michael is his name, he ended up a chick's house whom we both knew used drugs, and was easy... he called me from her house too... but even though Barb (my sister) answered the phone, she didn't tell me it was for me. That same night, he put a gun in his mouth and wanted to pull the trigger... but my friend (the chick that's easier bread & butter), got some alcohol so they could get drunk - while they thought I would show up... but i didn't know.... I am glad I didn't show up, because if I showed up when she was fucking my man - I would of killed her.

Only 9 fucking days... god my bed wasn't even cold yet. Well that was then, and this is now... Since that day, I have been arrested 3 times, gone to jail, got sober, gained weight, and haven't seen nor talked to Michael in 1-1/2 yrs... you think I would be other the SOB. But they say, some people never get over a broken heart... and I believe that I am one of them...

I love so fully, so completely, sn unconditional love that doesn't have to be returned... it would be nice... but it doesn't change the obvious that I will love him til i die.

What a way to let you know me... I guess I am tired of PMS (Putting Up With Mens Shit), and this just happens to be where I am venting tonite.

About Me: Major depression, adad, ptsd, agoraphobia w/acute panic attacks... no shopping for me, no fairs, no picnics, no beaches... I can go out like a normal person... I am terrified... I can't work due to physical disabilities that include rheumatoid arthris, sciatica, herniated discs, osteo-arthritis... I can't stand or walk very far or for very long. So it's good think I got a computer and can type as well as i do... without ever looking at the keyboard - because the computer is my friend... my confident.... my fun and learning experience.

Thanks to a car accident in 1999 in which i got oh boy 1000 dollars after they paid all my bills off... haven't worked since... can't. Can't get SSD either... they claim that my physical disabilities are caused by my drug use... rather then the way it really happened was I was in chronic pain, and was looking for anything, anyway to numb the pain even if it was just for a little while... Cause I really just wanted to die, but that asshole judge discredited both my neuralogist and his EMPLOYMENT COUNSELLOR - and turned me down flat... for the 3rd time... You can't file after 3 times... I even had a lawyer and everything.

Now I pray they will give me state welfare... right now, i get just 200 dollards a month which goes to my parents for rent, and 140 dollars in food-stamps - which I am allowed 30 dollars for things I like, the rest goes to the house for food.... technically my father can't force me to give him either the money or the food-stamps, but he is giving me a place to live, and drives me to my appts, he just bought me 150 dollars in new clothes for the fall & winter... so i really shouldn't complain about the living arrangements...

but not only are they both elderly, my mother is like me in chronic pain - it is sheer willl and determination that gets us off the chairs or the beds... but my father doesn't see it that way... he thinks we are exagerating... I am telling the truth... sometimes I can't even get out of the bed.

Plus my mom, she's the greatest when she is normal... but she is bi-polar and for some ungodly reason the 1st time since 1977 - she is having a mood swing... and it has been going on for 2 months already... none of the medication they give her works... I am living in a loony bin for sure... I am trying to get into a group home - to get the hell out of here... I am just about ready for an insane asylum - too bad the governor of Connecticut shut them all down... that's why my mom isn't better yet, she needs a mental health facility round the clock til her medication is right... but we don't have one of those anymore...

sure their are private ones... but who has 30 grand to blow on 2 week stay in a nut house... Certainly not me or my family.

I am gonna like this... having my own space to post whatever it is I feel like... and nobody to tell me no... or that is unappropriate... unappropriate for who?

This is my blah, blah blah blah spot. and nobody can stop me.

Just checking on you
Just wanted to stop in and say hello and see how you were doing. From the entry not too good. I'm sorry about that. I really hope things start brighting up for you. If you need to talk you know where to find me. Take care
» Princess_00 on 2005-09-13 03:56:12

lol,
thats a funny pic of the cat.
I couldn't stop laughing when I saw it.

I was stopping by to say hello.

hello!!!

bye for now
» MsFit on 2007-02-27 04:35:45

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